I spent most of my commute home this afternoon thinking about what I was going to do with my evening.  I knew that Rachel had Bible study, so I would have the house to myself.  I knew that there wasn't much food in the kitchen, so I was either going to have to go to the store or a restaurant for dinner.  I knew that I have a project to work on that must be finished by this weekend.

In my head, I was making a to-do list and writing in my own estimations for how long everything would take.

I got home and ate my delicious Spicy Italian sandwich from Subway while watching How I Met Your Mother.  The episode only had about ten minutes left when I finished eating, so I decided to watch the rest of it and then bury myself in my project for at least a couple of hours.

The phone rang.  It was sitting on the table all the way across the room.  I wondered if it was worth trying to catch it before it went to voicemail, and then thought, "But maybe it's Rachel, and if it is, then I should answer, because she wouldn't normally be calling me tonight because she would be on her way to Bible study."

I don't know why I thought that - I usually wouldn't even consider that it might be Rachel calling if it's 7:00pm on a Monday - but I ran across the room and caught the phone before it went to voicemail.

Guess what?  It was Rachel.

She was calling because her steering wheel had locked and wouldn't let her start the car, and she needed to know how to unlock it.  I walked her through the trick, her car started, and she was fine.

Twenty minutes later, the phone rang again.

It was Rachel.

This time, she was in a grocery store parking lot in Eagle Rock.  She had gone to Bible study, and then left to go get snacks for the group, and this time her steering wheel was not only locked, but she was convinced that there was something wrong with the ignition shaft itself.  She didn't know what to do and didn't quite feel safe where she was.

I told her to wait for me, and we would call AAA if I couldn't get it to work.  (Funny thing - I know next to nothing about cars, and yet I have a pretty good track record of being able to diagnose and/or fix cars that won't start.  I'm like the car whisperer.  Or the ignition whisperer.)

I hopped on the freeway and drove to Eagle Rock and found the grocery store where Rachel was waiting in her car.  We couldn't start it, and by that time, her phone had died, so I called AAA.

The AAA guy hooked up her car and towed it back to Burbank to our amazing mechanics, while I followed in my car.  (Whose name is Linus, in case anyone was wondering.  Linus, after Harrison Ford's character in the movie Sabrina.  Yes, I know it's random.)

At the mechanic, we realized that we had to pay for a little bit of the towing (because Eagle Rock to Burbank is a wee bit farther than the AAA free tow zone), and the nice AAA guy could only accept cash, and between us, we only had about half the necessary amount.  So - wonderful roommate that I am - I drove down the street to the nearby grocery store, got cash from the ATM, and took it back to Rachel, who was hanging out in the mechanic's parking lot with the AAA guy.  And then I drove both of us home to get her spare key, and then back to the mechanic to try the spare key in her car (because there was a chance that the problem was a stripped key), and then back home again when that didn't work.

And now here it is, two hours later, and I have done none of the things I thought I would tonight.

But you know what?  It was a gorgeous evening weather-wise - totally worth being outside.  And I'm glad I was available when my friend needed help.  Because at the end of everything, isn't that what really matters?

It's been a little over four months since my last blog post.

I know.

And I'm sorry.  Sorry for disappearing with no word, for dropping off the face of the earth (in the middle of a sort-of series, no less!) without warning.  For not being here.

For those who wondered - yes, I'm still alive and well.  And I appreciate the comments that I've received from people asking where I went and when I'm going to write again.  Thank you.

I'm not sure if I can explain what happened last November.  I was in the middle of an incredibly busy month - so busy that I barely had time to breathe, but busy with things that I loved.  I remember talking to a friend about a week into December, as things were starting to settle down again and after my third NaNoWriMo novel was finished, and he said that I was glowing.  I felt it, too.  I had just finished a crazy-busy month, but I had poured myself into things I love doing, and I could feel the glow.

But somehow, in the middle of it all, I couldn't blog anymore.  I think it was partly a reaction to the intensity of NaNoWriMo - I always need a few weeks to recover before I really feel up to writing again after November.  Part of it was probably also a reaction to how busy I had been.  I was literally falling asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow because I was so tired from going-going-going all the time, and since I was still working a full-time job, I just didn't have the energy to sit down at my computer for personal things after spending so much time on it at work.  Throw Christmas preparations into the mix, and I was just too busy.

But why, you ask, didn't I pick up the blog again and dust it off after the holidays?

I've wondered that myself over the last three months.  Why am I not blogging?  Why am I totally okay with the fact that I haven't touched my blog in months?

Part of the answer is just that I think I needed a break.  A full and complete recharge.  I've been blogging since 2005, and I was starting to feel like it was an obligation rather than a pleasure.  I was starting to feel like I had to change it and make my blog about something, to be like all of the other great blogs out there.  I didn't even want to look at my blog for a while, because I wanted so badly to redesign it but didn't have the time to figure out how or money to hire someone to do it for me.  In a nutshell, there was so much that I wanted to do with my blog that I felt overwhelmed by everything I couldn't do, and I had to step back and get some space.  To clear my blogging head.

The other part of the answer is that these last three or four months have been so heavy - in a good, growing way - that I didn't know where to begin.

I left off with my return from my church's annual young adult retreat.  That retreat started a process in and around me that is ongoing, but has had such an impact that I almost don't even recognize my life anymore.  I often come home at the end of the day, sit down on the couch and just laugh.  Out loud.  Like a crazy person.

Okay, maybe not quite like a crazy person, but I come home and laugh in amazement at things I'm doing, or conversations I'm having, or people I'm meeting.  Not like I'm meeting famous people or going skydiving or anything like that, but that my life is suddenly so full of community that I almost don't even know what to do with it.

Three years ago, I sat on my couch and called my mom almost in tears because I was so lonely.  I was desperate to have a life again.  Sure, I had friends at work and some scattered high school friends still in the area, but I was going home almost every day and sitting down with a book and nothing else to do.  No one to call.  No plans for later in the evening.

It was totally and completely my own fault.  I am outgoing and extroverted and most definitely a people person, and yet I was sitting at home every night, feeling like I was going to scream if something didn't change quickly, but I didn't know how to change it.  For years, I had been living under the lie that I was un-memorable.  I genuinely thought - for reasons too deep to go into now - that the average person I met at church or at work or at a friend's party would not remember me the next time they saw me.  I thought that people only remembered meeting me if they ran into me several times within just a couple of weeks, or if we managed to have one long (10+ minutes) conversation, and then run into each other again soon after.

People from other offices at work?  I always assumed that they didn't really know who I was when I ran into them around campus.

People that I passed - even worked with - every week at church?  If we didn't say more than the standard hey-how's-it-going to each other, I thought that I had to re-introduce myself every time we met.

People that I met at the odd party?  I believed that if I ever ran into them again - at church or at another party - they would look at me funny if I tried to talk to them because they wouldn't really remember meeting me.

With that perspective, it was really, really hard for me to be intentional about creating a life for myself outside of work.  I never wanted to call friends to hang out because I thought that they would think I was crazy for thinking that they would want to hang out.  I never signed up to do anything or get involved in anything at church because I was secretly terrified that I would show up for several weeks, and then run into someone unexpectedly and have them not know who I was.  I did not have a social life because I was afraid that no one would join me in it.

In the three years since that night on the couch with my mom on the phone, God has turned my life - and thinking - upside down.  He has slowly stripped away all of the lies I was living under and replaced them with his truth, and especially in the last year and a half, he has taken every possible opportunity to show me that I am known.  That I am memorable.  That I am not invisible.  And with that, he has taught me how to be intentional about the relationships in my life.  He has shown me that it's not actually that hard to call someone up, to see if they are free, and he has shown me that it's okay when people sometimes have to say no, because more often than not, they say yes.

It hasn't been easy.  Getting rid of lies never is, and sometimes truth is hard to face - especially when it is about ourselves.

That is a large part of why I haven't blogged since November.  Because - just like I wrote about seven years ago - God sometimes has to drop a giant whale into my path to swallow me up and pull me out of my routine.  Sometimes he can't get my attention in any other way.  And when I'm in the belly of that whale, all that I can focus on is the whale and getting out of it.  Pushing forward until the whale finally spits me out, and I can sit up and look around and wipe the water out of my eyes so that I can see properly again.

Blogging while I'm sitting inside of the whale and wondering what's going on?  Yeah, right.

All of that to say, I'm sorry for my long absence.

But I'm back.

I can't make any promises as to how regularly I will post, but I am most definitely back.

Thanks for sticking around.



Today, I'm thankful for the red cups from Starbucks.  I didn't go to Starbucks today, but some of my coworkers did, and seeing their red cups was like the start of the Christmas season.  And we all know how much I love Christmas.

I'm also thankful for the chance to attend my church's young adult retreat this weekend.  We're going up into the mountains, which means there is a chance of snow.  This could be big - I haven't seen snow up close and personal in nearly two years.  On the mountaintops, sure, but not where I am.

And on that note, I have to go make sure everything is packed before we leave in about forty-five minutes.  I won't be posting until Sunday because I won't have internet access until then, so happy weekend, y'all!

It may not be obvious to you yet, but I'm not doing very well with this whole 30 Days of November thing.  See, the point is to post every day about something that I'm thankful for.

It's the "every day" part that's getting to me.

As if my regular life/work combination weren't enough, I've added my third round of National Novel Writing Month (henceforth known as NaNoWriMo) AND a little bit of event planning action for my church young adult retreat.

The sitting-down-at-my-computer-and-writing-something-not-related-to-NaNoWriMo is where I'm tripping up.

But have no fear, loyal readers.  I'm not giving up.  It may turn into something a little less than 30 days - heck, it already is something a little less than 30 days - but I will press on.  I will continue to attempt to post every day.

And now, after a five day absence, the things for which I have been thankful lately:

• Time with friends
• Experiencing a hailstorm from my table in the covered patio section of Starbucks
• Writing a novel (10,000 words and counting...)
• Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel
• A last-minute visit from my brother
• Lots of blankets on a chilly night

What are you thankful for today?

I caught it as I walked across the parking lot tonight:  That subtle shift in the wind.  That gentle bite and smoky fragrance that warns of colder weather and hints of the frostiness of snow.  (Laugh all you want.  I may live in southern California, but I also live on the side of a mountain range.)  It was the first time I'd felt it since last winter.  We've had cooler weather recently, but winter has not been in the wind.  Until now.

Today, I am thankful for changing seasons.  Even in a place where our seasons total two.

(And yesterday, I was thankful for my bed at the end of a long day.  My apologies for the lack of a Day One!)